Can I play with anger, madness, and everything in between?

Whenever you tell someone about your shit day (brought to you care of The Universe, with the aid of Assholes TM), people are bound to tell you it will get better. What’s more, if this happens regularly, they might suggest you “cut this toxic person out of your life”. This sounds all well and good, but what if you’re the “toxic” one in the first place?

I am aware I have a pile of anger management, self-esteem, blame-other-people, quit-everything-all-the-time issues, but then, I am the only one who can work through them. Even if someone paid a psychotherapist to sit there and wax lyrical at me, it would only make a difference if I engaged in the practices this person suggested.

I probably am not the first person to say anger – especially the quiet, repressed kind – becomes a living thing in itself, taking over your life in the most subtle ways. It bubbles under the surface, like water in a kettle, until it explodes (if you want to continue the analogy, that’s when the water boils and you can see bubbles all over the place).

I guess it is the proverbial ‘chip on the shoulder’. That’s not to say people who are angry all the time (like the Hulk), are victims to their anger – that would take away personal responsibility, and the idea of agency. On a bigger scale, that would also mean that “crimes of passion” would never be faced in the judicial system, cause they wouldn’t “be responsible as they are victims of anger”. I’m pretty sure that came up recently in a court case in America somewhere… I remember the gist of the slogan of the anti-transphobia campaign that went with it, because it was something about men claiming they could attack trans*women on the grounds that they felt threatened or angry because of them or something (my memory is shite, so feel free to correct me on this). Which is kinda bullshit in terms of a ‘valid’ argument.

Anyway, this post isn’t about me talking transgender rights and stuff. Not really in the mood for that.

It’s just me venting about how angry I am at life. Wonderful, no? I guess that’s why it’s fitting that Bernard Black is my Halloween character this year. I don’t even know why or how I end up so worked up. I mean… it’s usually the smallest things, and then they blow up out of proportion. Ten minutes later, I have to apologise because someone seems to think I’ve offended them on their Facebook status, when in fact I thought I was being funny (and for those of you who think it was a crass joke about sex/vaginas/etc… it wasn’t, I am talkin wordplay here). It’s quite entertaining to see people contradict themselves – hell, I contradict myself incredibly often!

Some days, I am just happy to be the asshole who rages at the world and snaps at any opportunity to destroy things. Just because I can. Some days, I fall into it out of habit (yeah, I know right?), and, as I end up talking to someone who is already in a bad mood, I react. Some days, I become the source of a conspiracy to end all happiness, which is quite funny, actually. I mean… I’m quite an angry individual in my head, but thinking I am out to challenge you when I am not, that’s just laughable. Maybe I should though… can you see it? A sort of misery Russian roulette? Or maybe it would work better with bingo!

“Number 8. You’re up, ye fuckin’ twat!” (that’s Weegie speak for ‘you idiot’, although I wouldn’t recommend you use it casually)

That would be hilarious. Well, maybe for me. Although, to be fair, I probably shouldn’t be evil to my friends. But then, isn’t it the place of friends to challenge and add to/ improve your world view? If you have a friend who’s homophobic, do you just let them rant about ‘the gays’ or do you tell them it’s not right and that they need to get up to speed, cause we’re in the 21st century?

Similarly, if you have a friend who can’t stand being contradicted about – or even get comments on – anything they say in the public forum that is social media, do you point that out or not? Or is that too petty? Or do you just do what I do and lie in wait for their next status? I jest! I don’t encourage trolling or cyberbullying of any kind. Of course, on a social media level, you have the option of unfriending whoever is causing you grief (which doesn’t seem to solve the problem… really).

The best ones though are the ones who complain how much technology has destroyed us, corrupted our relationship with ourselves and other people, but somehow they do this through social media, and other digital platforms. That’s not to say you shouldn’t take a break from sitting behind your laptop and actually go and talk to people, but if you hate technology that much, you’re clearly using the wrong medium to communicate this. Treat it like a communication tool, but there’s no need to be a hypocrite while doing so. And…while it’s obvious to see the degeneration in language at times, for other people the Web has opened up portals of communication – people who are shy, who suffer from loads of dysphoria (not just gender-related, but things like not having the right body image, or being depressed), social anxieties, or other things.

Anyway, I don’t know what this ramble was about. It was about anger, and trying to hone in on how to deal with it, but seems to have ended up being a ramble about things that make me angry, that have instigated a response without necessarily slapping people silly – in person or online.

Cause let’s face it… we’re all idiots and assholes at some point in our lives. Whether we’re aware of it though, is a different matter altogether. And don’t give me some bullshit about choosing ‘good’ over ‘evil’.

Also, for those of you who were hoping for a more literary or in-depth approach to anger, I’m workin on it, alright? I just need a few more of these epic-length blog posts to get me back into the writing game. SO BE PATIENT.

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