I’m supposed to be poring over my copy of Jean-Paul Sartre’s Huis Clos (or No Exit as it’s known in English) but there are so many thoughts in my head that I feel I need to unload, I can’t actually focus so I thought I’d put them down. Hopefully, that will unclog my brain a bit.
The past two days have felt like they are dragging on, no matter what I do – watching TV for hours really hasn’t helped my mood. I enjoy watching series and all, especially right before I head to bed, but I feel like these past two days have just been an overdose of TV.
Before I spent these days frying a couple of brain cells, I was reflecting on things. First and foremost, I quit my therapist. I keep asking myself whether that was the right thing to do (right thing for me, I mean) but I just keep coming to the same conclusions I did when I told her I wouldn’t be going any more:
a) My current concerns don’t seem to be something I can discuss with a psychologist. Not to say she’s not qualified or intelligent, but the questions I have at the moment seem to be of a more existential/philosophical nature.
Sure, maybe talking through certain things would help me – for example, the psychologist was really keen to talk about my mother, or how I feel about being adopted or trans – maybe I’ve rationalised this too much, but those didn’t feel like practical concerns I can handle right now. I’d love to have the luxury of wondering about the possibility of transition-related surgery or hormone treatment, but I feel like me focusing on recovery is actually a bigger concern. I’m not saying I don’t think about it, but I have, as the expression goes, bigger fish to fry. (Mmmm, fish!) Transition is important to me, but not as important as other things. Besides, I get the feeling that kind of thing – especially surgery – is something I ought to discuss with my doctor, to see if it is actually possible, not a psychologist.
b) Going to her office felt like a waste of time and breath for everyone involved.
c) I realised that regardless of whatever I talk over with her, I’m the one who has to live my life. Whatever advice she gave, and whether I chose to follow it or not, I’m the one who would have to deal with any consequences. My decisions, my responsibility, right?
d) Writing actually feels better than therapy. Getting absorbed in creating a story, building an entire world of words – whether entirely imaginary or grounded in reality – seems to be my way of understanding and dealing with the world. Yes, it’s antisocial, but that’s how I function, apparently.
In other news, I really miss dancing! Should add it to my ‘bucket list’ of things to do when I get a transplant.
Meanwhile, my cousin’s cousin (I have no idea what she would be called – a cousin twice removed or something?) informed me that her 9-year old daughter is “genuinely star-struck” to have an author in the family. I have to admit, that really cheered me up. Apparently, the family is expecting me to get published someday… not sure what I think of that.
Also, my theatre course is ending, so I’ve come up with a bunch of things to do during the summer. That includes:
- Camp NaNoWriMo
- studying some FutureLearn courses
- getting back to my audio project – just a few words left to complete my collection, actually, then I can get to editing… yay!
- starting my second audio project (I might put a call out for that…I’ve had a ‘bright’ idea)
- write up some Edinburgh Fringe previews (hopefully!)
- finding a monologue to start learning for when I do get a transplant and can go to Epidaurus
- reading (hopefully lots of it!)
- participating in a writing competition or two…
- creating a text-based, interactive fiction game – currently researching labyrinths for this very purpose!
What about your summer?
Well, that’s all from me, at the moment. Thanks for listening, whoever you are. 🙂