I need to put this here for reference. To remember that this actually happened, to make sure it wasn’t some nightmare that my tired mind came up with. It’s not very well-written, but it’s in order:
Yesterday, I invited a friend of mine over for a coffee. She’d returned from her 18 days of holidays in Cyprus a few days ago, so obviously I hadn’t seen her in ages. We talked about what her holidays were like (mostly, she expressed a lot of disappointment in her girlfriend’s parents for reasons I won’t go into).
Anyway, after the main part of the catch-up happened, we started to talk hypothetically about my future – where I might live after a transplant, etc. Since she’s familiar with the mentality in Greece (she’s been here for 16-17 years), she concluded that it won’t be possible for me – as a trans man – to keep living here after transplant. I pointed out that I’m not sure what I want to do, whether I want to stay in Athens/Greece or go back to Cyprus, or whatever. I went on to say that for me, it’s partly irrelevant right now; I just need the heart transplant. The rest can be sorted out afterwards. According to her, I would be much happier if I change my gender back to female (the theory being, if I want to live in Athens and find a girlfriend, there’s so many more women who would accept me as a lesbian than as a trans man).
As if I just flip a switch and go back into the closet. I did that for a girl/woman I was with once; it was the first proper relationship I ever had (and admittedly, it’s probably fucked me up a bit) and she’d said that if I ever started to transition from female to male, she’d leave me. So basically, she was asking me to infinitely postpone being myself, for the sake of being with her. At the time, I’d thought it was something I could put off with a click of my fingers (so to speak). In retrospect, I see that it was totally fucked up. Sure, people are entitled to be with who they want (if she didn’t want to be with a trans guy, she had every right not to be) but surely, when you say you love someone, you love all of them, not the parts that are convenient? The fucked up bit isn’t so much that she put that choice before me, but the fact I accepted to not transition (for a relationship that really didn’t have much more life left in it than a sheep on the way to a slaughterhouse). Anyway, that relationship had several other issues that I won’t go into right now.
Back to 2016.
Trying to be polite and diplomatic, in spite of the knot that was forming in my throat, I said nothing. At that moment, Mum jumped into the conversation and this information was repeated. I tried to point out that I still don’t know what I’m going to do and move the conversation on to something else. My mother, who seems to think she’s a doctor, stated that after transplant, I’d have to hang around the area near the hospital since they’d be calling me in for checks, etc. I explained that yes, for a while (that is, the first few months), I’d have to be and then I could go live wherever I want. When I said this, my friend asked if I will go to Cyprus, and support my parents, as they have supported me. I said, ‘yeah, sure, for a while, but then I can go wherever I want and get my life back’. She then repeated her point about me finding a girlfriend in Greece/Cyprus if I ‘become’ my old gender again. I pointed out I can live alone; I’m an adult.
This was where it started to turn ugly (well, uglier).
Mum said I can’t go abroad in case of rejection of the transplant. She said that I’ll need someone to take care of me, in case I feel unwell, and used the example of a mutual friend of ours who had a family and had some rejection problems, and then died.
I pointed out that it makes no difference whether you’re alone or not (and the case she mentioned is a prime example). I mean, if rejection is going to get you, it’s going to get you. The best you can do is get checked and take your drugs on time. The rest is not really up to you, is it? Obviously, neglecting to do the best you can introduces a greater possibility of rejection, but even if you get that down to 0,00001%, living somewhere or with someone, generally living in fear is not going to help. At least, that’s my humble opinion.
Then, my friend (let’s call her RB for ease) said that if I die, they (meaning her, and my parents) might die of grief. Let’s not examine that statement just now.
I then pointed out that if I’m dead, their deaths wouldn’t really affect me. I mean, I’d be dead. I’d have no knowledge of whether they died or not.
Apparently this makes me selfish. Let me clarify: it is selfish of me to live somewhere by myself because I might die and people who supposedly love me might die of grief.
And again: I’m selfish for wanting to live by myself, possibly dying in the process.
You can’t make this shit up. I have to get out of here.
EDIT: Today, my mother asked whether I’m upset about what was said last night (because I’ve been on edge). I said I have to work, and she said ‘Don’t worry about it now. What we need is for you to have a transplant. We can worry about the rest later’ (basically what I was saying yesterday).
I have no words.
I just want to cry.