Silence

Wow. It’s April.

And I’m still here.

I know, I know, I’ve been really really quiet recently. Well, since January (if I’m not mistaken). I don’t remember the last time I wrote a blog post. Lots has happened – stuff I’m not sure I want to share. I’ve realised things about myself that I might’ve missed completely had certain things not happened. Things like: I occasionally behave like an ass. People forgive me – I think it might be a benefit of the doubt type thing – although I have trouble forgiving myself for things I say or don’t say, things I do or don’t do.

I also realised that writing always helps my mental state. Even when I can’t be assed. I was in a really dark place – anger does that to you, I guess (or do you do it to yourself by yielding to it? A friend of mine claims that you choose to get angry about things, and choose to feel miserable. Of course, this thinking doesn’t help when you feel like shit). Anyway, I had little – or well, nothing – to lose so I decided to give 750words.com another shot. Although I do have other creative outlets (drawing, playing music, etc.), writing is ultimately irreplaceable. Maybe it’s cause I generally don’t like talking much, so it gets things out my system. Maybe it’s just my way of filtering events.

While on the subject of talking, it seems people are genuinely unnerved by silence. Even in a social setting, if you are the one in the group that says little or even nothing, people seem to perceive this as a bad sign. While in theory I know that being introverted, socially awkward or quiet is definitely not a bad thing, it’s taken a lot of reflection to fully grasp it – mainly because not saying much is treated like a problem. But hey, going out and saying stuff just to make sure people don’t feel uncomfortable is so much better? OK, enough with the sarcasm. I’ve been told I need to stop being so vitriolic when I’m pissed off. Trying to keep it in check; the silence has helped a bit with that. Since I don’t feel the express need to say something or react immediately, I am calmer.

Also, I’ve started reading again. This really feels like an achievement. Giving myself space to read 1 chapter a day – and accepting that there will be days where more than that is just too much for me – seems to have worked. I finished off a book I had started ages ago in Greek and just today started Orhan Pamuk’s ‘A Strangeness in my Mind’.  Will let you know if it’s any good.

Anyhow, I should probably go now. I have to go eat dinner (just some cheese on toast, nothing fancy) and then probably watch a film or continue writing or reading. I just thought I’d drop by and say hello so you don’t think something’s happened to me! I will claw my way back into the writing and blogging game, I promise. Not for you, but for me. After all, why else do it? Doing it for anyone else… would it be worth it?

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