Might not really reflect how I feel, but the sun is shining and I saw this on Youtube while looking for music, so I thought ‘why not?’ My only regret is that I have no ingredients for mojitos and no tequila/lime.
On good days, I end up listening to something like this:
No idea how I ended up here, but I definitely don’t pray (I don’t believe in anything to pray to).
Blues… can’t stay away from the bluesy tunes too long. Mainly because of the bass. Much love for the bass!
It’s all my fault.
My fault we’re here, my fault for not trying harder, my fault for not researching things properly, for not taking care of myself.
It’s all my fault, so I have to sit here and listen to them tell me how useless I am, how short-sighted, how self-centred, how irresponsible (I lost my passport – not exactly surprising seeing as I didn’t use it and consequently forgot where I stashed it), how I’m all wrong, even how my choice of haircut or perfume is shit.
Oh yeah, and then there’s: “It would have been clever of you to choose a name closer to your old name” (because, you know, I picked my name just to be difficult).
Sorry for getting you down, folks. It’s tiring hearing this 24/7.
Like I needed more reasons to feel bad about myself.
In other news, I miss wearing suits, and playing my guitar. I miss my friends (well, that’s not really news, is it?). I also miss my privacy, and people who know that wearing headphones means ‘Don’t talk to me right now. Leave me alone’.
It could be worse, I suppose.
Friends of mine: “”They could’ve kicked you out of the house when you told them you were trans.”
They could abuse me physically. But they don’t.
“You’re so lucky to have such cool and understanding parents.”
Or I could be dead.
“You don’t appreciate what you have.”
That’s a sobering thought.
“You’re so ungrateful.”
Still, it doesn’t mean that I have to sit here and take all this verbal abuse, right?
In the absence of a guitar or something I can lose myself in right now, I’ve uncovered some tunes I used to listen to during my teenage years:
Sometimes, just sometimes, I listen to this and think ‘yes, that’s exactly how I feel’. Then I realise that it is too late for ‘what about now’, and more like ‘that was yesterday’.
So many what ifs. They inhabit the past, though. I understand that. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t or won’t hurt.
As a dear friend of mine might say… All the feels.
One of my latest addictions… Of course, in a language I don’t understand!
I needed to ease myself into waking up, so I stuck on ‘It don’t mean a thing (If it ain’t got that swing)’. By the time I got through breakfast, redressing my wounds, brushing teeth, it ended up here:
My latest trip into the bowels of Youtube recommendations got me addicted to this band: